Just not happy .. anywhere

discontented..
is that me?
have I really become THAT person?
ugh...
let me first start off by sharing.. that nearly 4 years ago.. the chatter of a dream we'd had to buy land and have some chickens became more serious... Yes... our dream of organic hobby farming seemed remotely .. attainable..
and so.. we began to look online.. and look, and dream.. and talk... and dream.. and I .. began to obsess .. JUST a little..
would we have a wrap around front porch?
would the house be a four square
or
victorian?
a farm house
or a colonial?
Would it be new, or really really old?
Would WE be fixing it up, or buying it already finished..
and WHERE would it be?  Dear LORD??
Kentucky?
Tennessee?
Michigan?
Iowa?
New York?
Connecticut?
Texas?
New Mexico?
Indiana?
Illinois?
Wisconsin?
Arizona?
Would we be ranchers? or.. have a organic apple orchard?
oh the dreaming we would do.. some day.. it's a dangerous phrase you know..
because it can mean...
never.
We'd been dreaming since we'd been dating, but somehow, it never felt so touchable,
so tangible, so tastable..
then a little over two years ago we started LOOKING at land.. yea. we drove to OTHER states..we hunted.. we had our pile of pennies and we were ready to buy if we found that dream..
we thought LAND..
perhaps we would build..
get really eco conscience... geothermal and all that jazz..
and started packing up our home up.. or rather I DID.. because my man.. thought it wise..
wise because.. we'd be putting OUR home on the market soon you see..
and we are so cluttered..
with our homeschooling..
our books
my painting
scrapbooking
artwork
photography
me.
so I packed me up.
then we went to france.. oooo la la
then we came home, and the illness overtook
and we packed up some more...
and de cluttered more..
and more of me disappeared..more and more...
more of us..
more of school..
no more art on the walls.. see the house is for sale ..
the realtor does not want it personal..
no more plants
no more clutter
no more projects
no more scrapping
no more painting
no more me
no more them
no place to be ill,
to be self
I feel stressed all the time, at the mess i am in all the time
because it is never clean enough..
and you know what.. it never was.. but I never cared this much
and in the midst the dream has been lost
we aren't moving to our dream..
somehow they have me looking at homes HERE in suburbia..
because now baby has come..
and why it all changed.. i don't know.. worried about bills and illness and how we need to get out of debt before we reach for our dreams..
and it all MAKES a lot of sense...
but what doesn't make sense..
is this feeling
that I don't like ANY of the homes I look at..
any of the listings i see on the net
and I don't care..
and I don't know that I will be happy anywhere..
every house i DO like
is more than I can afford..
and I just WANT to get OUT of debt so I can on with my life..
and this..
is where I leave off saying
I am just not happy...
not anywhere
so I suppose..
I am discontented..
and that is sad..
that is ugly
and I need to pray about that..