Graceful Bow.......& me not so graceful

Graceful Bow
Originally uploaded by kafka doodle

I confess I am not so graceful lately.
I fumble and fall, and frankly am quite the klutz. I am simply NOT very graceful. Perhaps I need a class on ballet, or ice skating or some other wonderful class to help teach me the fine art of grace. But really the areas that I need more grace are not the physical graces....
I am sad to say, lacking in the spiritual graces.
I am irritated, and short fused. I am hurried, and overwhelmed. There is a whole LOT on my plate, and I DID NOT put any of it there, don't want it there, but THERE it is, and IT must be dealt with none the less. Sometimes I don't deal lovingly, or as "meekly" as I imagine I ought. Are my standards even biblical? Are they simply ridiculous, or am I just falling way short and trying to find a way out of this mess?
Growing in grace? I feel like a kid in the fourth grace, looking around class mid December.... When did Johnny get SO tall, and did Susie grow like a foot?! By January I am clearly the shortest kid in town, and by mid March the situation is down right embarrassing. Spiritually, I am feeling like that kid. Am I growing dear Father????? REallY, can YOU measure me against the WALL???? Is there ANY change at all??? Perhaps I have shrunk?

Have you ever felt that way? Sure you have NOT shrunk any more than I have. And don't fall for the many modern preachers that tell you if you aren't doing A. B. C. D E. F & G H I & J & for sure K you are just NOT growing spiritually and perhaps are a bad christian (they will NEVER use those words but will leave you with that UNmistakable understanding), and will also let you know if "you are not growing you are backsliding." As if Jesus was a rollercoaster ride. A freakshow, carni ride. NO!
Lets THINK. yes, let us REASON together. Let us think about the hundreds of years the church had no bibles ( I mean the believers not just the leaders).... What about the many Christians being persecuted all around the world. Many have never even read the Bible in its entirety .... have you? There is something wonderful about slowing down, thinking through, pacing oneself, breathing, walking, rather than running.
Jesus has not laid out a reading plan for us in His word. Some how somewhere the guilt has been added to the grace, and it is a shackle that must be thrown off.

Life is too overwhelming as it is, I don't have room for all that too. I am so full of the things He gives me, the things that family has for me, so full of being sinful in trying to grow in grace in needing more grace in trying to sprinkle grace (grace is a bag of goodness) I simply can NOT heap guilt on top, we aren't talking a banana split here!
Everywhere I go, people have standards, Ideals, how I should live, what I should do, what comes next, what they expect of me, or of my family, it is overwhelming. Just turn on the radio, and listen to a preacher tell you some more; you gotta read this much, gotta have this long a "quiet time" gotta have "this long a devotional"; "this long a family worship" this and that, and this and that, and good thing they are preachers and get paid to do that, because I don't know when they would have time to leave their house to get a job to pay the bills. ( no disrespect meant - my pastor does NOT do this)
So here we are in a season, a hard very hard season, one could say that the boat has sunk and we are treading water and have been for some months..... we have a raft now, and we are not drowning .... per say..... not yet.... PRAISE GOD.... and frankly the way many of my brethren are today (all gussied up with "church speak" and little bible knowledge and little grace and love of Christ Jesus), I am more and more fearful to ask for prayer. Many times when I do, instead of a life preserver or help, we get stones thrown our way. More YOU should, or "if only", and all it is is more standards... and this persons is different than that persons, and you can get dizzy trying them all out, or you can just STOP
and go to GOD
and pray
and WAIT
and PRAY
and wait
and the Bible talks a whole lot about that.... so that is what we are doing...
so it looks weird, and awkward, and very uncool. and frankly, I am ungraceful at it. I am sinning in it, it is awkward for me, and I don't like it, I want a person to come and help, but God is making it very clear, it is HE who is our Rescue, our Redemption, our Saviour.... there is NO other.