moments I don't love my husband anymore

there are these horrible moments.. that I just don't love my husband anymore... I am not as the Word declares... a LOVEing person... I am NOT patient.. and DO not wish to be... I am not KIND, and feel much like Pilot.. ready to wash my hands of THAT concept all together.. Love is never boastful.. but I WANT to boast... I FEEL like boasting, my flesh is burning with desire to boast...
boast of how I'd be FINE with out him... (though in about an hour I will tell you this is utter insanity)
boast of how I'd be perhaps BETTER without him (though he's the best part of this couple...everyone knows that)
boast how every problem in our lives is one that I foresaw, and had we heeded my wisdom COULD have been avoided (though that again in more sober, honest, humble moments would concede, that I have led us down some pretty silly paths...)  Love is also not jealous.. and sometimes I AM jealous.. sometimes.. in wisps of moments that fly by like a dashing storm, I AM jealous.... jealous of a million silly little things, that I have no right to be jealous of.. like car time...  when he could as easily be jealous of the bountiful hours I relish with my blessings... the list is silly... well actually there IS never any list... it's like a burst of wind whipping up the fallen leaves... fallen... like me.. fallen..
Love believes, and I don't want to believe.. sometimes, I just want to wallow.
and ultimately love HOPEs... and when you are grieving... HOPE is hard to come by... HOPE is all there is..

Ultimately... I do not love my husband... It is Christ in me who DOES...  I am a selfish gal.. I can be lovey, and sweet, sexy, and funny, but when push comes to shove.. I have a pretty great guy in mine..(for a fallen man), and he has a pretty ok gal in me (for a sinner)  and yet there it is.. LOVE like the movies will always burst and blow up, and flitter and float away like in those movies... and LOVE like in the Bible is simply impossible.

Unless it is Christ in you doing that loving... Letting you be loved... Jesus loves my husband in a way, that I never can, and yet providentially we are together, my husband and I .  For better (what we all would rather have) or for worse (when we'd like to call a divorce attorney, or grab a lovely glass of vino, and our gal pal), we are a couple... (a couple of misfits, a couple of sinners redeemed, a couple saved by grace, walking, stumbling on this path)  He said we were made one.. I don't understand it all.. but I am glad that even when my SELF does not feel LOVE at or towards my guy, my God in me does.. and I can call upon my Lord, and ask for help...

I can look to the counsel of Galatians when the fruit of the Spirit is spoken of.. and see.. that when this anger, or dislike, or unloving attitude comes up.. it isn't really just that my guy is a butthead (though that may be part of the problem)... The REAL problem is that I, ME, the author of this blog... is not bearing the fruits of the Spirit.. I am not full of the Joy of the Lord..
I am not rejoicing in the day... "this is the day the Lord hath made, let us rejoice and be glad in it"
I am not seeking first the kingdom of God..
I am not Loving the LORD with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind, and loving my neighbor...the sin ultimately lies within MY heart...
If God can love me, redeem me, save me, and fill me
than I have everything I need to love my husband...
It is I who needs an attitude adjustment..

Does it get him off the hook for sinning against me... no..
If he is using ugly words and or abusive words is it MY fault... no
if he is sinning........... against this family is it my fault........ no
what if my husband hits (mine does not).. GET help!

Love covers a multitude of sins
does NOT mean
Loving your husband requires that you COVER up his sin, and hide it from the world
no...
that verse refers to letting the little things go.. learning to walk in GRACE..
abuse, or sins that are causing your marriage serious strife
sins like
pornography, gambling, sexual addiction, adultery, incest, drugs, drunkenness, abuse of any kind
(this is a small list)
these all mean that you need help..
you need PRAYER warriors
you do not need to complain or gossip
you need to find people who can pray with you, and HELP you and your husband.
http://www.nanc.org/ or http://www.biblicalcounselingcenter.org/ are two great resources for you to get counseling.. If the abuse is physical, you may need to call 911.  Please do not put yourself in physical danger.. YOU are NOT helping your husband by hiding his sin... It is helping him sin more by hiding it for him... you do not need to be ashamed..

Before the fall of man in the book of Genesis.. God made Eve.. God created Eve to be a suitable helpmate.. Before the fall... it was determined by God.. that man needed help.. that sounds ABOUT right to me...
since the fall.. well all the more..

Grace.. peace... and love.. I get it ALL from Jesus... I have precious little of mine own...He provides in abundance... and offers it freely unto you..

If you have come here wondering in your heart.. "dear Lord... I just don't love my husband any more..."  please know I am praying for you... In the past few weeks many many readers have come to this site based on an old article entitled this, and I have been praying and struggling over this topic.. so it would seem, my Lord and Savior has allowed my husband and I to be stretched yet again in this area... and well this is part II in a series..

If you have questions, comments, thoughts, please share... I will be searching the scriptures on this topic ... Praying for you, and Trusting God as He has us re explore LOVING our spouses... from my vantage point.. loving my husband....