suffering...

suffering in Christ...
is hard...
suffering at all...
is hard..
people suffer in different ways ..
for differnt reasons...
sometimes it's hard for them to even admit..
that what they live with is suffering at all...

compared to what the people in Haiti are living with..
what they deal with each day seems shallow...
compared to the Cross of Calvary..
their cross seems as light as the cross around their necks..
compared to the person who testified at church...
they feel...hushed...
or perhaps I should stop now..
stop talking only in third person...
and be more transparent with you...

this is often how I feel.
I have suffered with an undiagnosed disease for almost 20 years...
I have had many illnesses that have stemmed from the one...
have been misdiagnosed with many others...
and all the while I have learned to put on a brave face...
and carry on... like I was just like everyone else...

The few times I have shared,
I have been slamed for being prideful...
For expecting TOO much of people..
so I retreated...
I have been told be both friends and by doctors that perhaps
"it's really IN my head"
been asked if
"things were ok at home?"
been told
"i need more faith in God."
and that
"once you come to know Jesus things get better"
which implys.... perhaps... I don't KNOW Jesus after all..

I sometimes don't know which was worse...
the spiritual torment of my supposed Christian friends...
wondering if they were friends at all..
or wondering about their own walk with Christ..
or mine...
or rather the actual torment
or constant joint pain,
muscle pain, & spasms
and constant headaches and migranes that lasted weeks on end...
being paralyzed when I had "endometriosis" after being told I was a
certifyable hypochondriac by a doctor...
or
the years of pancreatic pain after losing my gallbladder when I had NEVER had problems with it before...
the list of bizarre illnesses and ailments quite as long as our medical bills,
and for any of you now struggling with this economy...
you can begin to imagine the frustration we have felt
our intire married life..

How deflating year after year...
my darling husband would receive raise after raise,
only to watch it disappear to more doctors
more of their... "promises"
more supposed cures... to misdiagnoses...
more hocus pocus...
and as the children grew.... so did their illnesses...
and all the while
family and friends faces grew from concerned to puzzled
to apathetic...
and
we just stopped talking..
why say we were in the ER twice that week..
it didn't matter... it wasn't NEW or exciting news..
nothing was discovered...
it was frankly just embarrassing...
they still didn't know what was wrong...
so... why feel more foolish than you already felt...

Well.. it's been nearly our whole marriage,
all our dating years..
for me... about, well like I said 20 years...
my entire adult life...
and..
I finally have my diagnoses..
I have Lyme Disease.

I remember the rash....
I never found the tick,
I understand they can be very very tiny...
I lived that summer from june through august in the
deep Northwoods of Wisconsin...
I lived there in a tiny wooden cabin,
my only heat, and only way to cook my food
was a wood burning stove....
from the 1920's...
I went to the camp doctor..
he didn't know what the rash was..
I went to the clinc's up there...
they didn't know what the rash was.
not all rashes are BULLSEYE rashes,
mine was not...
I was so upset by it,
I drove home after a time
and saw the doctors here ...
no one knew what it was,
they gave me creme's and what not...
but weeks later, I got the tell tale "flu" and still..
no one guessed...
my story...
perhaps I will write more of it another time..
but for now...
I just wanted to share..
that suffering is hard..
hard to do alone..
hard for couples and families to bear alone..

Sometimes those happy families you see at church
ARE happy because they KNOW Jesus in ways
perhaps you can't imagine..
they don't expect JESUS to just fix things
and make everything BE ok
but HE sees them through each day,
His mercies new each morning..

I thinkthat most of the church in America
needs to grow up
shut up
and really pray
and ask the Spirit of God to decend  upon it...
but that ...
that would just be MY $0.02

There are those...
those who walk the walk
drinking deeply of the cup...
sit long at the foot of the throne,
labor hard to be hands and feet
laugh and love and live richly this life with Christ..
and to those...
I lift a special blessing..
and special thanks to God...
may you know... if you are reading this now..
that you are LOVED,
that you are deeply APPRECIATED...
that your labors have been NOTED...
that you are PRAYED for daily...
that your grace and mercy are HIGLY acclaimed
and HE will say unto you... Well done my good and faithful servant........

dearest reader..
which ever side you find yourself..
convicted,
praised
offended
thanked...
know this..
YOU are LOVED!!!!!!!!

Redeeming Yesterday : When yesterday didn't happen quite how you remembered it...

We each have memories...
Memories of yesterday,
last week,
memories of last month, last year,
of walking in the snowy woods,
strolling on the sandy beach at sunset,
slowing down when everyone in the whole wide world
was walking a million miles a minute downtown in the big city...
we all have memories of sitting long and looking far,
or
playing ball and wiping the sweat from our brow,
memories of waking from a nightmare and feeling our heart
beating so fast,
so hard
that we weren't sure what was scarier, the dream or the racing of it...
we all have memories of kisses, and whispers,
of laughters, and moments of quiet flirtations that were building blocks to somethings else...
Memories of fights that went a direction all their own,
words that came out of our mouths that we honestly never wanted or dreamt of saying...
Words we'd rather bury in the ground in the dead of winter,
and never leave a stone in remembrance of...

What happens when yesterday didnt' happen
quite how you remembered it happening?
What happens when your emotions, your feelings blur your vision...
When they infer motive onto someone elses behaviors
and time continues to tick it's tick tocking ways...and
does it's traveling on...
endlessly traveling on...
and you wake up one morning to discover
you were remembering things wrong all along...

How do you rewrite your own history?
We base so much of our behavior on how we perseve our reality...
We must think...
We must go to God and to His Word with our days,
our moments,
our troubles,
and our pains...
We must choose to believe all things,
of others and of ourselves...
if someone makes us feel like a loser, we must take that to God in prayer...
someone makes us feel small, we must not believe that is what they intended,
nor allow ourselves to FEEL small...
but take it to the Lord in prayer...
we must remember
He is the ONLY one who sees ALL things,
knows ALL things,
and can redeem all things..
He has redeemed me,
he can redeem you,
why on earth did I ever not even consider
that He'd not redeem yesterday too?
Showing you how it really was,
healing you
healing others
bringing forgiveness
bringing peace
love and joy
even friendship
because it's who HE is..
Naturally He can redeem Yesterday...
I hereby move over and am letting Him.
What about you?

When He finds you on Facebook.

Has it happened to you?
It's happened to one of your friends hasn't it?
It's the phenomena of our era...
the highschool or college sweetheart
finding you
on ...
Facebook
When she calls you and says..
guess WHO emailed!
guess who friended me...
or when she says...
HE's loved me all along,
or maybe he's not that bold,
maybe...
he's just thinking, remembering,
can't help but wonder what might have been..
maybe his version of what happened
doesn't match hers AT ALL,
and now she's all doubting herself.....
What do you say?
When she's been struggling with NOT loving her husband anymore....
What do you when you are worried about her having an affair...
even if it may just be... an affair of the heart....
What do you do when it happens to you?
When he's found ... you?

The Christian responce as far as I can see it it as follows...
When your X finds you,
be it, X boyfriend,
X lover
X husband...
you need to find one or two prayer warriors and have them praying...
I DO NOT MEAN
call all your wimpy friends who LOVE 90210
and LIVE for drama...
I do NOT mean the local gossips...
I mean godly prayer warriors who will lift you, your husband and this man up in prayer.
Next you need to let your husband know.
third...
you need to reply
and give the man room.....
room to
a) let you know if there is something going on... there may be a medical reason he is contacting you... if he has HIV or some other sexually transmitted disease, or even if he is simply terminal, he may need to share information with you, and he MAY find this very painful and difficult... the God honoring thing to do, is be gracious enough to let him.
b)let him have space to remember what happened... he may not remember the whole story, and his version may not be accurate, and he may need to know, some truths that he can grow from... that he can go on in life, and have healthier relationships from that point on....
c) he may be burdened to appologize.... this too may be embarrassing and painful.. a little space, and i do mean LITTLE is all that is needed for any of this...
d) he may have come to Christ, and want to ask forgiveness of you..........which would be wonderful...

A little space is needed... As long as we aren't talking a stalker, a beater, a maniac of any kind, I think your average X is due a little space, a bit of common respect.  I do mean little.  I don't mean rekindle anything.  It needs to be laid out immediatly that you ARE married.  That you are happy.. If you are not... that is no buisness of an unbelieveing STRANGER, which is exactly what this person HAS BECOME, no matter what you FEEL.... No one's life is perfect every day, the sun does not shine 365 days a year in every part of this beautiful planet... No indeed it does not... There are gloomy seasons in every marriage, use this to remember your passions for your husband... Direct your full focus on suducing HIM, be the woman He fell in love with, and say Au Revoir to the one who was fool enough to let you get away...
and Bon Jour to the one who Won you! 

your thoughts... your experiences are welcome here ... in this... as it is a new and bizarre thing that woman today are experiencing, I am willing to learn from you, to hear from you.... I am learning from personal experiences... and am trying to implement this in grace and truth with one whose soul I once loved.... who discarded me...........

Embracing the one who relished in me, who chased and pursued me, who works every day to feed me, cloth me, support me, whose cared for me through better, and unfortunately many worse, through far too much sickness, and not nearly enough health... The one who never left, never forsook, no matter how bad, how sinful, how loud or ugly we could be at one another... the one who comes home ... to me ... my beloved.....

ladies... share at will

Resolutions.. and all that jazz

To RESOLVE to do something is a really big deal... But people flippantly make New Year's Resolutions each and every year... and dismiss them before February...
they Resolve to get fit...
loose weight
look this way
or that way,
do this
or that...
read such and such a book
or stop smoking...
It's a real PICK a rabbit out of a hat sort of thing isn't it...

I generally NEVER make a New Years Resolution...
I don't like the pressure...
I feel like if I ought to be resolving to do something,
to change something,
or to sieze something in my life...
then I just OUGHT to do it... and not add the pressure
of "new year's" to it...
cuz I'll be sure to fail...

Pressure often causes me to fail...
When I was a little kid...
I was THE fastest kid in the neighborhood
each and every time we raced....
till someone got a stopwatch....
When I was a teen
I joined swimteam, and was GREAT
at practice
but at the meet when they shot that gun ...
it just slowed me down, like someone strapped weights to my legs...
I never froze...
i didn't have like a panic attack,
it just stressed me out I think...
and the stress was like
DEAD WEIGHT....
slowing me down.....

New Years is like that...
I decided a long time ago that a Resolution
is serious...
You resolve to succeed from a union
you resolve to do MAJOR things... or not to...

This year I have made an exception...
It may be my last...
I hope my blog here will keep me accountable...

I resolve to love more deeply those I dwell with first
and all people second...
I resolve to walk more steadfastly in grace and peace and mercy...
Allowing grace of myself as I do others...
I resolve to be slow to anger and abounding in loving kindness..
To SEEK First the KINGDOM
to ASK the Lord for all my needs
to KNOCK for as long as it takes...
To Draw Near to God for HE WILL DRAW NEAR TO ME...
I resolve to LOVE God with all that I am more than I have...
to love my neighbors as myself...
starting with those in my house...
love being patient, even when they are not..
kind even if they are not.
and so on and so forth...
to BE an INSTRUMENT in my Redeemers hand...
To be the Wise woman building her house
and not the fool tearing it down...

I resolve... to walk closer to God on this path
one foot in front of another... and enjoy HIM
and breath in the moments
absorbing the sights as richly as I can before my eyes blink again...
I resolve to hug more
Kiss more deeply
hold hands more often
tickle and laugh heartily
eat of the bounty that God offers to me
JOYFULLY, thankfully, with gratitude...

I resolve...
do you?