suffering...

suffering in Christ...
is hard...
suffering at all...
is hard..
people suffer in different ways ..
for differnt reasons...
sometimes it's hard for them to even admit..
that what they live with is suffering at all...

compared to what the people in Haiti are living with..
what they deal with each day seems shallow...
compared to the Cross of Calvary..
their cross seems as light as the cross around their necks..
compared to the person who testified at church...
they feel...hushed...
or perhaps I should stop now..
stop talking only in third person...
and be more transparent with you...

this is often how I feel.
I have suffered with an undiagnosed disease for almost 20 years...
I have had many illnesses that have stemmed from the one...
have been misdiagnosed with many others...
and all the while I have learned to put on a brave face...
and carry on... like I was just like everyone else...

The few times I have shared,
I have been slamed for being prideful...
For expecting TOO much of people..
so I retreated...
I have been told be both friends and by doctors that perhaps
"it's really IN my head"
been asked if
"things were ok at home?"
been told
"i need more faith in God."
and that
"once you come to know Jesus things get better"
which implys.... perhaps... I don't KNOW Jesus after all..

I sometimes don't know which was worse...
the spiritual torment of my supposed Christian friends...
wondering if they were friends at all..
or wondering about their own walk with Christ..
or mine...
or rather the actual torment
or constant joint pain,
muscle pain, & spasms
and constant headaches and migranes that lasted weeks on end...
being paralyzed when I had "endometriosis" after being told I was a
certifyable hypochondriac by a doctor...
or
the years of pancreatic pain after losing my gallbladder when I had NEVER had problems with it before...
the list of bizarre illnesses and ailments quite as long as our medical bills,
and for any of you now struggling with this economy...
you can begin to imagine the frustration we have felt
our intire married life..

How deflating year after year...
my darling husband would receive raise after raise,
only to watch it disappear to more doctors
more of their... "promises"
more supposed cures... to misdiagnoses...
more hocus pocus...
and as the children grew.... so did their illnesses...
and all the while
family and friends faces grew from concerned to puzzled
to apathetic...
and
we just stopped talking..
why say we were in the ER twice that week..
it didn't matter... it wasn't NEW or exciting news..
nothing was discovered...
it was frankly just embarrassing...
they still didn't know what was wrong...
so... why feel more foolish than you already felt...

Well.. it's been nearly our whole marriage,
all our dating years..
for me... about, well like I said 20 years...
my entire adult life...
and..
I finally have my diagnoses..
I have Lyme Disease.

I remember the rash....
I never found the tick,
I understand they can be very very tiny...
I lived that summer from june through august in the
deep Northwoods of Wisconsin...
I lived there in a tiny wooden cabin,
my only heat, and only way to cook my food
was a wood burning stove....
from the 1920's...
I went to the camp doctor..
he didn't know what the rash was..
I went to the clinc's up there...
they didn't know what the rash was.
not all rashes are BULLSEYE rashes,
mine was not...
I was so upset by it,
I drove home after a time
and saw the doctors here ...
no one knew what it was,
they gave me creme's and what not...
but weeks later, I got the tell tale "flu" and still..
no one guessed...
my story...
perhaps I will write more of it another time..
but for now...
I just wanted to share..
that suffering is hard..
hard to do alone..
hard for couples and families to bear alone..

Sometimes those happy families you see at church
ARE happy because they KNOW Jesus in ways
perhaps you can't imagine..
they don't expect JESUS to just fix things
and make everything BE ok
but HE sees them through each day,
His mercies new each morning..

I thinkthat most of the church in America
needs to grow up
shut up
and really pray
and ask the Spirit of God to decend  upon it...
but that ...
that would just be MY $0.02

There are those...
those who walk the walk
drinking deeply of the cup...
sit long at the foot of the throne,
labor hard to be hands and feet
laugh and love and live richly this life with Christ..
and to those...
I lift a special blessing..
and special thanks to God...
may you know... if you are reading this now..
that you are LOVED,
that you are deeply APPRECIATED...
that your labors have been NOTED...
that you are PRAYED for daily...
that your grace and mercy are HIGLY acclaimed
and HE will say unto you... Well done my good and faithful servant........

dearest reader..
which ever side you find yourself..
convicted,
praised
offended
thanked...
know this..
YOU are LOVED!!!!!!!!