Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I don't love my Husband anymore...? article from sister Sarah

This article was passed on to me by Sarah, a sister in Christ. It moved me, struck a cord deep with in me, for I too have had conversations, have known ladies who mirror the one in this article. As always Please feel free to respond. This article contains exercises... I pray you consider doing them. It is an issue of our culture, we often turn aside from, because it is SO uncomfortable...

I Don’t Love My Husband Anymore

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure…” Hebrews 13:4 (NIV)
I was saddened by what my friend was sharing. She was tired of her husband so she was leaving him because she found the man she dreamed of being with.

I was shocked by my friend’s decision. I had been in their wedding and heard the lifetime promises made from their hearts. I had been with them to celebrate their first anniversary. I had been with them just after the births of their first and second child. I had shared their laughter, encouraged them through their tears, and enjoyed doing life with them.

While their relationship had not been perfect, they did love one another. But something had gotten broken in their relationship and neither of them knew how to fix it. It led to a stale quietness that seeped into their home and made each feel lonelier and isolated than they ever knew was possible for a “couple.” He had grown distant. She had grown frustrated. Life was busy, finances were stressful, and they stopped making time for romantic conversations they used to enjoy. They used to be a team and felt they could beat anything life sent their way. Now they just fought against each other.

Then she met an attentive, financially secure man who seemed to be the answer to all of her unmet longings. She traded her life for the thrill of something new, the lure of something she perceived would be so much better.

But just two years later I ran into this friend and was stunned by her confession. With tears in her eyes she admitted that she’d discovered fairy tales don’t exist. Every relationship feels exhilarating at the beginning but then real life happens and marriage is hard work no matter who you are married to. When I asked her to tell me about her new husband she smiled shyly and said, “Well, he’s hairy.”


What did she just say? My mind was spinning. Of all the words, all the descriptions, all the romantic terms I expected her to use, “hairy” was no where on the list. How telling that the man that was once so irresistible that she traded everything for him, had now been reduced to one word…hairy!

I’m convinced that in marriage the grass isn’t greener on the other side. The grass
is greener where you water and fertilize it.

Dear Lord, please help me see my marriage as a sacred thing. May I always understand that being married was not meant to just make me happy but make my character more holy. Help me remember being married is less about having the right partner and more about being the right partner. Shape me into the wife my husband needs and deserves. Help me to pause before I speak so I don’t react out of anger, frustration, or selfishness. Show me how to respect, love and give to this man in a way that honors You and brings joy to our home. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Write a list of all the things you love and admire about your husband. If
you can’t think of any now, list what you liked about him when you married
him. Find some time today to share the list with your husband. Spend some time in
prayer for your marriage and for your husband. Consider signing up for a
marriage coaching conference call for women with Lysa TerKeurst.
Follow the link
in the resources section above to learn more.

As a wife, is your goal to help your husband become all that God intends him to be, or all that you intend him to be?. Have you bought into the cultural idea of marriage
being some sort of fairy tale Sometimes, being a helper is actually a lot of work. How can you better fulfill your God-given role as a helper to your husband?

Power Verses:
Genesis 2:18, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’
19:5-6, “’For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united
to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’
? So they are no longer two, but
one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

1 Corinthians 7:13, “If a woman had a husband who is not a believer and he is
willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.”
By Lysa TerKeurst

Just think friends, usually by the time she shares, it is too late. By this what I mean is, that by the time this sister, friend, lady, has shared her heart with you, it is most often too late to win her back. We are deceptive creatures by nature, she may have been deceiving not only you, her spouse, but herself. I have heard of sisters in Christ even say that Jesus would want this for them, because they are so unhappy in their marriage. That Jesus wants them to be happy... Sisters, I implore you, by this time, it is nearly too late. At this stage, our lady has already made a graven image of a Jesus that does NOT exist. An idol in her heart to suit her own desires. Her new Jesus, isn't the Jesus of the scriptures. He is a creation of her imagination, that isn't seeking to sanctify her, make her holy, redeem her, but a Jesus who is more like a genie in a bottle, giving to her the desire she is craving. You see, she has redefined the "Christian language", so at this stage, speak, implore, reproof, rebuke as you might, be not surprised if she simply does not hear you, is offended by you, distances herself from you. Do these things, yes, but for the glory of God, to be obedient to Christ, not for the response. Who knows you may win back your sister....


My point is this, as sisters in Christ we must be ever watchful of the flock of sisters the Lord has placed in our lives. After she has abandoned her husband, we will find ourselves recalling a little word here, a slight there, things that cause us to say, "gee, I should have known then."

Let us hold fast to the TRUTH of the scriptures, encouraging one another on to love and good works...
Let there be true accountability... no husband bashing, but rather, honest talk, for the purpose of helping reconcile a marriage in trouble. This is different than gossip, or husband bashing...

Remember if your not part of the solution.... YOU MAY WELL BE PART OF THE PROBLEM... don't let your sisters in Christ slip into this sin with YOU.
If you see her eye wander, tell her that you have seen, and don't let her joke her way out of it. Let her know you care about her walk with God, and about her marriage!
If she's suddenly overly interested in how she looks, find out why, ask the tough questions friend... Who's she getting "dolled up" for???
There are countless signs, we've all known ladies who have been lured away by the temptations of the world, the flesh, and the devil... Talk about the signs with one another, write them down so you remember, and get with your gals and hold one another accountable....

WATCH, and PRAY the devil is prowling about waiting to devour, and in our sin, even we, can just walk right in to his path, into his trap... or your daughter can...or your sister can...your neighbor can...or the maid of honor at your wedding...
Lets be real, we are all sinners, and we all need the support of REAL fellowship.

I hope you do the assignments laid out in this article. I hope you send friends here to read it. I pray it has been a blessing to you. If so, please feel free to comment! you are loved

Oh, you can check out Sarah's site here be blessed


  1. Thanks for your timely words Anika. In light of our world and our nation, without holding onto truth, there will only be darkness. Praise God that He mercifully guides us in marriage and our walks with Him. It is only through God's word that we can know obedience, and those who love Christ will do as He says. John 14:21


  2. Amen sister mari!
    Thank you for your encouraging responce. I love what you have to say... that only through God's word we can know obedience, and those who love Christ will do as He says...
    Can those who do not love Christ obey? Can one who is not indwelt with the Holy Spirit obey the call of Christ? It's all about the heart. The actions can reveal it, but still we are deceitful creatures, and we make attempts to hide our heart, from God and from man; that we might hide behind our righteous deeds, when righteous they are not.
    Praise God for YOU!

  3. I understand what you are saying. But what about when your husband hits, call you names and accuse you of many unreasonable things. What are you suppose to do then?

  4. Dear Clari, you raise very valid point. This article is very helpful for people like me who are going through a difficult time in their marriage to, praise God, a man who is not abusive. There are women out there who's hearts have gone cold because that's the only way they can protect themselves from being hurt further. I don't have the answer, and the only advice i have is to pray and ask for God's grace and protection. If you, or someone you know is in physical danger, seek professional advice immediately but always guard against hatred and bitterness which will destroy your soul.

  5. In the case of an abusive husband... you need to remember to submit as UNTO THE LORD...
    the Lord does NOT abuse...
    and would NOT want you to be beaten down, you are HIS daughter, a daughter of the KING of Kings and Lord of Lords, you are a princess....
    precious in his sight, worthy of tender care...
    While I do not know your exact situation, a loving nouthetic or biblical counselor, or pastor should... please seek counsel... I am sorry for not seeing this responce sooner... Praying for you even NOW...
    My counsel to any friend in this situation is pack your bags, just what YOU need, and get documentation on the abuse (in proper order), let your pastor and a proper Counslor know, and get out, prayerfully, in love for your husband who is IN SIN... It is NOT loving him, to stay and be there for him to sin against... you are not helping him, or yourself... You honor Christ, when you say, "Sorry love, you don't get to treat God's children this way, YOU do not get to behave this way, it is NOT acceptable, I love you too much to stay and let this continue"
    Please realise that this is a very simplified answer to a very difficult situation... Please seek Godly qualified counsel...
    NANC has great counslors, and your local church may be able to help.. but just know you are LOVED!

  6. Thank you for giving Grace some support through her difficult time. Grace, there are thousands of us out there who are good Christian women but are enduring abuse, and most of us stay longer because we don't want to hurt anyone or look bad in front of our families and friends, nevermind other folks at church. My abuse is not physical now, but it was, and now consists of NEVER wanting to be intimate with me, not working for 4 1/2 of the past 5 1/2 years, not saying kind things to me, ignoring me, never complimenting me etc. He has ADHD and if one goes on the ADHD forums, she finds that the other women on there tell the same stories as I have to tell. They speak of incredible selfishness, emotional and physical abuse, lazyness, anger, anger and more anger and so on. I don't think I love my husband any longer even though we have tried to do counselling several times, and have done a marriage program through our church. I don't see where God would want me to live the rest of my life with a man who is totally incapable of loving me as I deserve to be loved, and who is abusive to me on a fairly regular basis. I am grateful to my pastor who didn't condemn me when I went to speak to him about divorcing my husband, but instead said to me " aren't exactly a quitter". (I've been with my husband for nearly 22 years---none of them very happy). I've stayed with him for so long because not one of my friends was ever supportive, nor was my family supportive, and coming from a family of many very abusive men...I knew that what was happening was wrong, but it was never terribly out of the ordinary. My mother said it was my fault. She now realizes that he's a dud, but she thought that his education made him better than me. We may have married the wrong guys, but that doesn't mean that we deserve to be treated badly forever. Marriage is sacred, but it takes both people within the marriage to pull it out of the ashes. My husband doesn't know how to be unselfish long enough to redeem our marriage. He can't control his emotions long enough to refrain from yelling at me most days. Even our children know that the end of this marriage is near. Why hold on to something that makes all of us unhappy when there could be peace in a new life?

  7. My heart goes out to any women like you who are being abused. Tough love is the answer there. LEAVE and he will have to face God. I wish I could help you more but I am in a quite different predicament.

    I have been married to a wonderful woman for just over a year and she came to me out of the blue and said "I don't love you, I want out."

    I had no idea she was feeling this way, and I NEVER did anything to hurt her. I'll admit I'm as inconsiderate as any average good husband out there, but I LOVE my wife more than anything.

    We are both strong in our faith and I am struggling to understand how and why she came to this decision when only weeks before I was her "favorite."

    I am SUPER willing to work on all my faults and problems and go to counseling. I have been reading numerous books and seeking as much Christian counsel as I can...why would a woman choose this?

  8. Thank you, sister Sarah

  9. I feel a crushing sadness and helplessness. My husband cheated on me and our two small children seven times over the course of two years. I was destroyed. The woman was in jail twice and in rehab twice in that time period. She is currently serving a three year sentence. It was almost overnight that my husband changed. He was angry, irrational and impulsive. I reached my deepest place ever with the Lord at that time. I was counseled that my duty as a Christian wife was to take him back no matter what. Right or wrong I did and I felt the Lord with me. Eventually his explosive nature physically hurt me and we ended up with a no contact order. He moved from the other womans home and lived with his sister. For four months we didn't speak. Then I informed him that I wanted a divorce. That year got his attention and he ended up getting counseling. He asked for mediation before I went through with the divorce. He was so different, changed for the better in so many ways. About six months after the no contact order ended (it was in place for a year) he moved back in. That was about six months ago. I'm afraid I've made a terrible mistake. I can't trust him and he does things that are untrustworthy, like erasing text messages from a female friend off of his phone. Lately I feel used and almost violated when we are intimate so obviously its not often. How can I trust this man?

  10. I don't know that staying with your husband is the answer, nor do I believe that divorce is either. Separation obviously began to work on him, but clearly it's work was not finished.

    HOW can you trust him... you can't... YOU CAN trust your Savior Jesus... He is your counselor, your KING, and you don't have to stay with this man... if you feel unsafe, violated, please get to a safe place and end contact. PRAY for reconciliation.. but realize it may not happen this side of heaven, it may not happen for years... but do not loose heart.. The time you are away, however long that may be, is time for YOU to be in Christ.. for you to grow in the Lord, and become stronger in your walk with him... believe it or not, you will still be serving your husband... still be helping him...

    with your prayers for him,
    in your steadfastness
    in your faithfulness..

    I know it seems counter to our culture
    but... you are not meant to be the one to divorce...
    NOR are you meant to be treated in this unsafe way...
    you ARE lovely, YOU are beautiful, you will learn discernment in your time with Christ, you will learn more about grace, mercy, forgiveness, peace, and even 6 months is perhaps not enough for either of you... this life ... this marriage is about your sactification.. not just your satisfaction or his.. about your holiness, not your happiness... happiness comes as a result of your holiness.. it is not meant to be pursued by it self...

    you are so loved... so precious to our Savior... I am lifting you up in prayer sister
    May the Lords Peace be upon you, and may you have clear direction as to what to do, and where to go

    U R LOVED! don't forget it for a MOMENT!

  11. I so needed to read this..I have not been looking for another man...wouldn't even want to go there or even consider it..but because of many circumstances, I have just grown weary in well doing...I needed this reminder and the scriptures on this cheer me on...You have encouraged me to good works...Thank you.

  12. After reading all this i dont know where i'm standing now. I'm living with a man who was great and so lovable which suddenly change to be so cruel after i give birth to my second child. It happen all over sudden. It makes me gone mad. He dont like me to even see his phone. He erase of all his massages. He drinks and hurt me with vulgare words call me dogs. He always say he wants only the children.He chase my mum away when she visit me. He dont want me to have any friends. All this makes me crazy and I cant even pray. I almost cry everyday. I ask few people through internet to pray for me. Now i feel stable. I still hope for better. I know Jesus wont fail me. One sad things he told me today "he dont want my forgiveness" and he only want the children.

  13. I am married to a man who lives 8 hours away. When we married his plan was to transfer and the employer has haulted that due to economic conditions. He promised to move here but now says he does not want to move here. Now his constant "jokes" all center around the theme of picking at me. He has stated several times he is going to file for divorce. We are both believers. I tell him to do what he thinks God would have him do. All I can do is pray and stay close with God. The truth is I secretly wish he would go forward with his divorce threats and set me free from this bad dream.

  14. Ladies..
    my heart hurts to hear of anyone hurting you physically..
    Please find a safe place to retreat... to breath, and think...
    Staying in an abusive relationship doesn't help him, and CERTAINLY does not help you...
    First, aside the physical damage that can be caused... it distorts your view of things, it leaves you in a place to believe lies about yourself... For you are PRECIOUS! You are LOVED! YOU are worthy.. NOT worthless...
    If you ARE a believer in Christ, you are a daughter of the KING of Kings, and Lord of lords.. you are a Princess then, by birthright... Is everything going to be easy? NO.. do you have duties? yes.. but staying with one who is clearly not taking his role seriously, perhaps doesn't even know what HIS place is.. can be dangerous..
    I am not even touching on the issue of divorce here in this post.. I want to encourage you to just GET to safe ground...and get WISE counsel.. Let God deal with the man in your marriage... Sometimes we get in the way of God really DEALING with the sin in our husbands life..Some men are dangerous, they are so far gone.. I promise you, YOU won't save him, only Jesus can...
    Hitting, or hurting IS wrong...
    Please get to a SAFE place
    The article above is not about abusive marriages..

  15. I have no desire to be with another man but I have no desire to be with my current man either. I am a pastor's wife who feels like she is living a lie.

    We have had no intimacy for a very long time. From the time we got married, he has slept on the couch in the living room and I alone in the bedroom. We have two beautiful girls who are witness to a major disfunction. He tells me that he hates me all the time and that he dosn't want to be around me in front of the kids.

    I am at my wits end. He doesn't want counseling. We have been outof ministry for two years and we had no other place to go but back home wit my family. We had something pretty horrific happen last Thanksgiving and our family is having a hard time getting over it. My brother did something horrible to my daughter and we are being black balled from my whole family as we are not showing Christian witness and forgiveness.

    We havent been to church since March of this year and I sooo desperately want him to be the true man of God that he is suppose to be. I feel like we are drifting apart and that this family is in complete shambles. He is on about 5 different meds for depression, anxiety and so on.

    I can't take it anymore. I don't love him anymore but I am afraid to leave. I have no where to go and dont make enough money to leave.

  16. What is a woman to do when the marriage was built on a bad foundation to begin with? And now there are children involved? I've prayed and prayed and asked for guidance for years. I've read all the books by ministers and nothing seems to help. We have nothing good to look back on. There are no happy wedding pictures to look at. There aren't ANY. There are no fond early marriage memories to recollect. No honeymoon, no vacations, no weekends away. No break from the in-laws. Sometimes people really do make huge mistakes when they marry, even if at the time they thought it was for the right reasons. I hope God can forgive me for putting my own marriage asunder.

    1. The bible states...brake up your fallow ground. The hard foundation. When that is broken up, You can start building on a new foundation (Jesus Christ)...honesty, patience,...etc everything in 1 Cor.--- God specializes in restoring relationships that is why he sent his son, restore man back unto God...back to a relationship, fellowship with God. Put yourself and your marriage in Gods hands...he is the potter .He can make a cracked vessal into a new vessal! Remember the devil does not like unity so you and your husband or just you will have to fortify the married in prayer daily.

  17. u can not do anything about yesterday... do something about today. u start making fun, romantic memories. you do it. Surprize him today! bake him his favorite cake! buy him roses, put on some sexy lingere, you make it happen day by day.

  18. 17 yrs of marriage. He cheated the entire time with more women than I can count. Verbally & emotionally abusive. After praying, begging, encouraging & everything else it just got worse. At the urging of my children & seeing no light at the end I left. After a year of seperation I filed for divorce. I met a great guy who was very good to me & me 2 boys. My husband wud not sign the divorce papers. I was in a relationship with this man for 2 years. Always good to me do anything for me. Loved me unconditionally. My husband got saved begged me to come back. At the urging of others & my own Christian beliefs I went back. My husband is a completely different person. He's very kind & attentive. I don't love him. I can't bring myself to be intimate with him. It makes me sick. I am in love with someone else. I think it's too late for my marriage. Too much damage. He killed all the love I had for him. I have prayed & begged God to change my heart. I'm just going thru the motions. I have to force myself to be around him. I'm so glad he got saved, but I just don't felt this is going to work. I feel it's too late. I feel an extreme amount of guilt with God. I don't know what to do. I am miserable


grace & peace to you... your thoughts are welcomed here...